New Couple Alert!

Seeing these two together melts my cold black heart. I'll have to give Aubrey O'Day a big heaping pile of "downgrade!", but Tins is a much better choice of partner in flopping-about-town-being-otherworldly than Jenna Jameson ever could be. Best wishes girls, I know you'll be sickeningly happy together, and you'll definitely be getting a holiday card from me and Tops.

And Fans Betrayed by Racist Legging Designer!

It was unclear through Linds' mentholated (do they make Parliament menthols?), skanked-out, Far-Rockaway-bar-haunting slur. I tried to convince myself that she said "post-race," not "colored," as reported (so truly warped is her speech impediment). Afraid not. I was totally approving of your life choices Ms. Lohan, until you reminded me of your raspy, cocktail waitressing, sanitation-worker-assaulting heritage (and how desperately you try to conceal it).

And Once More with the Italians—

Loon dictator of Italia, Silvio Berlusconi, makes mention of Obama's deep "suntan."