Ancien Régime

Pilgrim's Progress

California High-Speed Rail: $45 billion

High-speed trains are increasingly common in Asia and Europe, but they have yet to make it to the United States. Now Californians are trying to change that. In November, California's voters approved a measure authorizing $10 billion in borrowing to begin work on an 800-mile high-speed train capable of going more than twice as fast as the average speed of the Acela trains on the East Coast, and which could make the trip from San Francisco to Los Angeles in 2 hours and 40 minutes. Supporters say that the plan would reduce congestion on highways and at airports and invigorate the economy; skeptics question whether the plan makes economic sense. The final bill includes $8 billion for high-speed rail; but there are 11 regions that could compete for the money, which would at most be a small down payment on what promises to be a costly project.

I'm hardly out West enough to benefit from this rail project, but its inclusion in the stimulus package is a certain victory for the general cause of train travel in the States. Goody!

Love In This Club: Brendon Sexton III

Brendan Sexton III turns 29 today, and while a veteran at this point, having appeared in such high-profile films as Black Hawk Down, Boys Don't Cry, and Hide And Seek, here at A&P, Sexton will only ever be two things: Brandon, the adorably troubled teen who threatens to rape Dawn Weiner in Welcome To The Dollhouse and Warren, the sexily troubled teen who shoplifts in Empire Records. Happy Birthday, Warren! My how you've grown up.

Haters!

At first, these strap perfect bra things were just another product that gave me a funny commercial to laugh at. But now, said commercial is really starting to get to me. Am I doomed to a life of improper posture, droopy boobs, and "fashion faux pas" because of my permanently dislocated shoulder? My right arm would have to detach itself from my body in order to use this thing. And unfortunately, as father exiled me from the chateau when he found me with the stable hand, I no longer have handmaidens to dress me. What to do? WHAT TO DO?

I Bought This Windbreaker at Rainbow

My colleagues have already said it, but it’s been a LENGTHY week over here at A&P. It’s Friday night, I’m doing actual work, and I didn’t get to see the Ghost Whisperer for the second week in a row mostly because I misplaced my keys in my own home last night and left the house today anyway which is something you should NEVER ever do. Life is hard and tiresome and some days I wish I were a vampire instead of a werewolf and could just live in a carwash or under a freeway without having to eat or blow my nose.

I have something else to tell you. Did you know that Mario Batali, in his home, in fact, in all of his homes, has a refrigerator filled entirely with Dom Perignon Rosé? The point isn’t that Mario is some kind of gimmicky fag, and it isn’t that he’s an overindulgent bastard who clogs about, rosaceuous and out of breath and it isn’t that the man at the forefront of Italian cuisine in America is unforgivably and inexplicably redheaded and it’s certainly not like he only drinks pink champagne.

Of course I don’t actually think there is a point. Look, the dude probably bathes in it when he needs to calm himself down from a crack high or something. There’s the kind of week in which you go about your week and then there’s the kind of week where you’re inside your own head arguing with yourself about Heidegger and Olivia Newton John and the way people and things sort of come and go and sometimes you know why and usually you don’t but it happens anyway. The kind of way a dude who wears ORANGE CROCS knows well enough to keep booze that matches Paris Hilton’s chihuahua on hand. Like maybe the only choices that you can rely on to be merciful are the ones that are the least cerebral.

The Best Thing Going (For Friday)

When I once again have a digital recorder in my life, I have a feeling I'll be stockpiling episodes of this.

A Song For You

We've been going through a lot of shit lately here in the A&P offices. All "High and Low," as we do. It's been the longest week in Alpha's life for a few reasons as far as he can tell (how they decide to finally come out of the woodwork when you're most vulnerable), but things are looking up for the most part. Able brought up the Divine Miss Fiona Apple a few days ago, and, lost in a daze, I stumbled upon this amazing performance I missed during that time I didn't have cable. Fiona manages to get the most appropriate cover songs, more so than any other artists I heart. Kills me softly with every one of them. This, I do reckon, is her finest. You can just tell how much it pains her. Thankfully, anyone wise to her ways understands how much she loves it. Attagirl....

Chinese Democracy

I know that we do what we can to get that paper, but I just can't wrap my head around this one. Lil' Kim being on Dancing with the Stars is like learning that there's no Easter Bunny. These truly are hard times!

My Left Foot

I've avoided politics since the election, which is uncool. I don't condone being so fickle at such a crucial moment; I just can't help myself--actual economics bore me to tears. I stipulate "actuality," because on September 15th, when Lehmann fell, I read the Wall Street Journal breathlessly, hanging onto each red, downturning graph, not because of "actual" economic information, but because of cultural information, the feeling of moment (maybe history!). But I liked how informed I was before November, how much I was participating in government via pure curiosity (fundamentally democratic, no?). In an attempt to restore my interest in weighty news items (aside from whether Rihanna plans to prosecute Chris Brown), I am making a habit of checking Paul Krugman's new Times blog, The Conscience of a Liberal. And my but he never disappoints! I've tended to get all glazed and sleepy when folks have brought up the stimulus package, but Krugman keeps me wakeful with his ranging, broad knowledge of social history and unflappable passion and vigor. Si se puede!

Naked Lunch

General Use

Q: How do I get my doll to begin play?

A: To activate your BABY ALIVE doll, make sure her ON/OFF/TRY ME switch is set to “ON”. Note that BABY ALIVE is packaged in “TRY ME” mode.

Q: How do I get my BABY ALIVE doll to “wake up”?

A: Press the button on doll’s bracelet and she will “wake up”. To change from one mode to another mode of play (eat – play – change – play), press button on her bracelet.

Q: Can I play with my BABY ALIVE doll without having her speak?

A To play with your BABY ALIVE doll with her eyes open, but without having her speak, switch ON/OFF/TRY ME switch to the “OFF” position when the doll’s eyes are open.

Q: My BABY ALIVE doll is fussy! What should I do?

A: If your BABY ALIVE doll cries or fusses or says she’s thirsty, give her the bottle (even without water), or press the button on her bracelet and she’ll feel better.

Hispanic Doll ONLY (US only)

Q: How do I switch the doll’s language from Spanish to English or English to Spanish?

A: To switch doll’s language mode, press button on bracelet and hold for a few seconds; release button as soon as doll says “¡Hola, Mami!” (or “Hi!”). If you continue to press the button, doll will say “¡Adios!” (or “Bye bye!”) and go to sleep. To re-activate, press button again; doll will wake up in the same language mode she went to sleep in.

Feeding Questions

Q: How do I feed my BABY ALIVE doll?

A: Open a packet of BABY ALIVE doll food, pour into feeding bowl and add 15ml of water, stir well. You can measure the water by filling up to the fill line on the food bowl, bottle cap or bottle. IMPORTANT: Make sure she has a diaper on and it’s securely fastened. Be sure to give the doll a drink from her bottle after every few spoonfuls of food. And always give your doll a bottle of water after she eats or food may become stuck inside.

Q: Can I feed my BABY ALIVE doll real food?

A: No, use only BABY ALIVE doll food and doll juice mixes (sold separately). NEVER feed your BABY ALIVE doll real food.

Q: Can I use another type of spoon or bottle to feed my BABY ALIVE doll?

A: No, only the included spoon and bottle will work with your BABY ALIVE doll.

Q: What if the doll food becomes too thick?

A: Just add a spoonful of water and mix well.

Q: Can I store unused doll food for a later time?

A: No, doll food cannot be stored; use immediately after mixing.

Cleaning and Diaper Changing

Q: When do I need to change my BABY ALIVE doll’s diaper?

A: Always change your BABY ALIVE doll’s diaper and clean her after she eats; never let her sit with a full diaper. Clean her with a soft damp cloth or paper towel. Discard dirty diapers; they cannot be washed or reused.

Q: How should I clean my BABY ALIVE doll after feeding?

A: Give the BABY ALIVE doll several bottles of water until any remaining food has been rinsed away and the water runs clear (best to do this over a sink). Use a soft cloth or paper towel to wipe away any remaining food.

Q: How do I clean my BABY ALIVE doll’s face?

A: To clean your BABY ALIVE doll’s face, use a mild soap and work up a lather in your hands. Gently massage lather onto doll’s face, then wipe away with a damp cloth or paper towel.

Q: Can BABY ALIVE doll be submerged in water to clean?

A: No, do not submerge doll in water; it’s not intended for bath play.

Q: Can I wash BABY ALIVE doll’s hair?

A: No, if any doll food gets into hair, wipe away with a soft cloth.

Q: Can BABY ALIVE doll’s spoon and bottle be cleaned in the dishwasher?

A: No, hand-wash spoon and bottle with mild dish soap and water; they are not dishwasher-safe.

Troubleshooting

Q: My BABY ALIVE doll is unresponsive and/or speaking slowly. What is wrong?

A: If BABY ALIVE doll is unresponsive, speaking slowly or making unusual facial expressions, battery power may be low. Replace batteries with four (4) x 1.5V “AA” or LR6 size alkaline batteries.

Q: What happens if my child eats the BABY ALIVE food?

A: BABY ALIVE food is non-toxic and made of food-grade ingredients, but it is not intended to be eaten. If accidentally ingested, however, it is not harmful.

Folk Art for Tuesday

Mayor Lindsay

Robes

"Touch the Hem of His Garment" is (without a shadow of a doubt) my favorite Sam Cooke track. For me, he's always best in church, alone or with the Soul Stirrers, voice soaring back to the very last pew. And here, he sings of a woman who seeks to be "made whole" by simply "touching the hem of [Christ's] garment." What power of mere presence! What power of fabric and ritual! Listen and mull.

What About Style?--1996-7

Recently, I spoke a little about 1995-1996, Clueless, two pop albums, a loud, Californian sensibility. And since that investigation of middle school and Gwen Stefani's clothes, I remembered to note Fiona Apple's "Criminal" video of the same/following year. Apple played some role in the female singer-songwriter/damaged lesbian(ish) thing that happened and happened and happened into the late nineties. But, visually speaking, at least in this very popular (relatively iconic) video, Apple was miles chicer than the Lillith crew. The seventies redux, acrid carpets and Jurgen Teller lighting schemes and wood-paneling and dark denim, is supreme and part of a wave that wouldn't crest until the new millennium (with Jurgen Teller [and Ryan McGinley] and Marc Jacobs and all "hipster-dom" and American Apparel). Watch and see, kind of visionary.

Oh but this is pointless.

Note, at left, the stupidly, stupidly redesigned Dunhill pack. Small favors, they've let the menthol pack, at right, alone. Senseless and criminal this.

Programming Note

Yesterday was quite a day for us here at A&P. A friend was nearly taken from us, but is currently laid up in el hospital, thankfully just a little worse for wear. Our own dear Able was shortlisted to have her Britney Spears treatise published. I woke up naked and covered in Diet 7-Up. High and low dear readers, high and low. And now, a song for all of us.

Verses

"Wooden Dolls"
by Nico Vega

We, dear, are all wooden dolls.
Plastic hair on my head keeps me small.
These matters take more than just a song to see them,
we've got our own souls even if we're buried beneath them,
We know these roads because we paved them,
and we collapse at once when we cage the rebel.


ohohoho ohohoho...
when we cage the rebel.
when we cage the rebel.

We, dear, are all wooden dolls.
Plastic hair on my head keeps me small.
These walls between men are built off of fear of eachother.
We misunderstand, the things that we say to eachother.
When will we see that we are stuck with eachother?
We collapse at once when we cage the rebel.

ohohoho ohohoho...
when we cage the rebel...
when we cage the rebel...
when we cage the rebel,
oh oh, when we cage the rebel...

Oh I feel it in my heart everday,
my god, when we cage the rebel,
we, dear, are all wooden dolls