Thug of the Week: Ashley Todd

I first saw this story break Friday night in a bar full of loud and proud queens, who were glued to it like it was a director's cut of "Noah's Arc", so I (quite naively, as it seems) assumed everyone knew the story... Ashley Todd, 20 years young and so full of daddy issues that Lindsay Lohan has started making frequent visits to mediums to commune with Sylvia Plath and figure out what the fuck's up, filed a police report with a shiner and a "B" carved into her face, claiming the local black man mugged her, beat her up, and taught her a lesson about being a McCain supporter.

She made the whole thing up, we now know, and apparently punched herself in the eye and scratched a backwards "B" into her face just to prove how disgusting Obama supporters are (as black people and democrats alike never learned their letters because they didn't have a strong stay-at-home-hockey-mom to teach them their alphabet during moose huntin' excursions)... My only hope is that Jesus came to her in a twinkie-induced moment of rapture and told her it was the right thing to do.

God bless you, Ashley Todd. Not only did you make self-mutilation and "not insignificant" mental problems sexy again, you also reminded the world of Kelly Osbourne, as we all initially wondered what the fuck she was doing on CNN. Let's make babies some day. A&P's very first Thug of the Week goes to Ashley "Excuse My Beauty and Ruthless Determination" Todd...