You're Fired

Dear Holly,

There was a time there for a while where we were very close. You lolled around the Playboy mansion in your great socks, stoned and drunk on diet coke and vodka, and I was right there with you. I knew, maybe even before you did, that the time would come when you would realize that grandpa was never going to marry you or knock you up and you would move on to bigger and better things. Well, that time has come and you have disappointed me greatly. I understand that Criss Angel MIND FREAK! is probably bangin' you something proper and you need that, you really do, but you could do so much better. I'll be waiting for you on the other side of this rebound brain fart, just please silence the deafening tick of your biological clock and don't have any of his freakishly-coiffed babies. 

Your Friend,

Pillow